I Am Not a Third Ager!

Dear Father William,

My older brother keeps bugging me about this Third Age stuff.  I've told him that no matter how good it's been for him, it's not for me even though I'm in my early fifties.  I've just gone through a very liberating divorce, I have a new job that I love and am good at, and in another year in a half all my kids will be gone from the house.  My life is more alive and exciting to me than it's been for at least a decade.  Retirement is the furthest thing from my mind.  I don't feel old; I feel rejuvenated!  I'm like a kid in a candy store with all the possibilities open to me - all the possibilities I've put on the back burner while being married and raising the children.  There's no way I consider myself a Third Ager, and I can't see any reason why I should pay any attention to my brother, even though I have to admit he's given me some good advice in the past.  Would you please tell him to get off my back?

Thanks for your help, Second Age Sister

Dear Second Age Sister…

You've come to the right place for help.  I’m an older brother myself, and I know how we can be sometimes, so I'm delighted to help you cope with yours.  First, let’s clear up some misconceptions about the different ages.  

All Our Ages Begin with "Unformings"

No matter what anyone tells you (especially the media of our youth-worshiping culture), First, Second and Third Ages are all periods of growth and expansion.  What makes them different is what kind of growing we're doing and what we're focusing that growing on.  (How Do the Ages Differ?)

Each age begins with an Unforming.  Unformings are times when we let go of what we've been before so we can grow into what we can become.  An example of this is the caterpillar’s metamorphosis into a butterfly.  To get the goodies of being the butterfly, the caterpillar has to give up what it's been before.  It does this by creating a safe space (the chrysalis) and literally “Unforming" itself.  (The safe space is essential because Unformings can produce a lot of anxiety, especially if you're the dissolving caterpillar and can't see any butterfly yet.)

We humans go through the same kinds of Unformings as we move from one age to another.  These are necessary because they release our dependence on the age we’re leaving behind.  But such Unformings can also be scary, especially when we hit the place where we have to let go without knowing for sure there's anything ahead for us.  "You can fly, but the cocoon has to go" is what we say to the caterpillar who’s hanging on.  This is small solace when you feel on the brink of extinction, but it does explain why we can get stuck in an age we've really grown beyond.  Let’s take a look at the Unformings that open up First, Second and Third Ages for us …  

1^st AGE:  BIrth Evicts Us From "Home"

The Unforming that leads us into First Age is birth, and it’s a doozy.  Imagine having spent nine months in Paradise where every need is taken care of without your doing anything.  It's always warm and snug.  Food is delivered on time, every time.  There's even the reassuring surround sound of mom’s heart beat… ba boom… ba boom… ba boom…  Then one day with no warning, you’re thrust out of Paradise into the cold.  And this thrusting is not a quick or easy process.  It hurts your little body a lot.  Loud noises hurt your ears (especially mom’s screams).  Bright light hurts your eyes.  You get smacked on your butt for no reason.  Syringes are jabbed in your nose and ears.  If this Unforming isn’t a traumatic experience, what is?

Even so, most of us make it through the birth canal (as well as the delivery room), and this gives us a shot at life in this physical here and now.  If we'd known what the trip was going to involve, we might have refused to embark (maybe we did know, and that’s why mom had to do all that pushing).

Since birth is the archetype (Imprintings & The Unconscious) for all Unformings to come, it’s highly unlikely we’ll approach them with glee.  In fact, we’ll probably do everything we can to delay, deny and avoid them.  (This doesn’t bode well for opening to future growth.)

During First Age our growth is primarily physical, and, with a lot of trial and error, we expand our physical abilities to survive in this strange and often threatening world.  If things go reasonably well, we can even flourish, but we still remain dependent on, and subservient to, those know-it-all adults in our lives.  At its best, this is a time of safety, play and little responsibility.  We grow naturally and easily, but our freedom is restricted by all the grownups we must please (and, as we hit our teens, this begins to chafe).  

2^nd AGE:  Adolescence Fills Us With ConFUSION

The Unforming that opens up Second Age is called adolescence, and it's hard on everyone involved.  In First Age we've been dependent, and we're getting sick of that.  We want and need to be independent, but we have no experience at it.  All we know is we don't like being told what to do any more.  So, whenever we can get away with it, we refuse to do what were told (even when it would be really good for us).  This behavior is called counter-dependence.  (The error of dependence is that we blindly obey; the error of counter-dependence is that we blindly resist.)

 Counter-dependence makes life hard for us and the adults around us.  It usually sound sounds something like, “Don’t tell me what to do – and give me my allowance!”  because we’re trying to have the best of both ages (being taken care of and being free).  It takes teenagers a while to learn it doesn’t work this way (unless your parents are really stupid and really rich).  For a lucky few, movement through this Unforming is relatively quick and easy.  For most it is painfully long, lasting even well beyond our leaving home.

Once we do achieve some degree of personal independence, we begin to grow intellectually and emotionally in ways not possible during the dependence of First Age.  We now are responsible for our learning, relationships and livelihood.  For some, this can happen in the early teens (or even before); for others who are overly protected, this may not occur until well into their twenties (or thirties or fifties).  Whenever it does occur, we now experience the consequences of our actions unfiltered, and this helps us mature both intellectually and emotionally (reality can be a real waker-upper).  Such maturing does not occur quickly.  For me, it took over thirty years, and at times I despaired of it ever happening.  So if it’s going slowly for you, take heart and read on.

In the independence of Second Age our focus turns to “success” in the external world.  We want to amount to something we believe is worthwhile.  We want to have the love and respect of others we care about and admire.  We want to have financial security and material goods.  We want to do a good job raising our children.  These are all good things to want.  

What makes Second Age so hard is we’re too focused outwardly on the external (and material) world.  This world bombards us with powerful messages of who we’re supposed to be and how we’re supposed to be it.  It's impossible not to be deeply, and often inappropriately, influenced by that bombardment.  We're told to want wealth, status, prestige, position, centerfold lovers, eternal youth, gas-guzzling SUV’s, religious righteousness (this list could go on a very long time), and we buy into too much of this nonsense.  It's only after spending lots of time and energy getting such stuff (or trying to get it) that we gain a more mature perspective on what the external world really has to offer.  At first, this can be disorienting and depressing.  

3^rd AGE:  eXPERIENCE sHIFTS wHAT wE vALUE

This disillusionment with external acquisition and achievement is the Unforming that launches us into Third Age.  (Peggy Lee’s, “Is that all there is?” has expressed in this feeling for more than one generation.)  Actually, there's nothing wrong with the external world.  What's been wrong is us.  Our immaturity during First and Second Ages let that external world confuse us about who we are and what we want.

In Third Age we take our lives back from the world.  For five decades we've been "amounting to something" in terms others and the world laid out.  Now it's time to live on our terms - to "Follow Our Bliss" – and what a joy this is!  (Joseph Campbell & “Follow Your Bliss”)  In theory, now that we’ve gained the maturity we’ve been lacking earlier, this shouldn’t be hard.  All we have to do is step back, look inside, recognize who we are and remember what we care about.  Equipped with this mature wisdom (and a lifetime of experience), we can return to the world and use it to grow more fully into ourselves.

But often theories suck, and this is one of those times.  When we run into this Unforming between Second and Third Ages, there's nothing about it that seems simple or easy.  For those same five decades the world has brainwashed us to believe there is no life after Second Age, and its used very smart people and sophisticated media techniques to plant those sick messages deep in our unconscious.  Once past fifty we’re "over the hill,” “past our prime,” “on the way out” and a thousand other such depressing descriptions.  (Bill Sadler’s research says our culture has taught us do associate Third Age with the “D” words - Decline, Disease, Dependency, Depression, Degeneration, and Death).  No wonder we cling to Second Age when the alternative seems so dismal!

The hardest thing about this Unforming is managing your own mind.  I'm serious.  You’ve got to change your attitude about aging to go forward – you've got to believe Third Age will be as full and fertile as your previous two ages!  Simply put, this is a bitch to do.  We've been conditioned all our lives to believe Second Age is the be-all and end-all.  We couldn't wait to get there, and we never want to leave.  It takes a lot of hard personal work to overcome this conditioning and open to the amazing growth of Third Age.

And it is amazing!  Something that helped me believe was Maslow's distinction between Deficiency-Motivated and Being-Motivated Needs.  He said we have to negotiate at least four areas of Deficiency-Motivated Needs (Survival, Security, Belonging and Status) before we’re able to spend any significant amount of time on our Being-Motivated Needs (Self-Actualization).  The former he called D-Needs because the motivation comes from feeling deficiency and fear.  We feel we lack something and fear we can't cope without it.  D- Needs have a high component of anxiety motivation.  (Isn’t this the story of Second Age most of the time?)

In contrast, he said Being-Motivated (B-Needs) focus on what we have, not on what we lack.  When we satisfy enough (not all - that never happens) of our D-Needs, we shift from trying to get more of what we lack (living up to the world’s expectations) to using more of what we’ve got (being who we are).  This is so important I’m going to put it in bold type:

When we stop trying to get more of what we lack from outside,

We can appreciate and use more of what we’ve got on the inside.

 Joseph Campbell said, “Follow Your Bliss.”

In Third Age, that’s what we do.

Learning to “Follow Your Bliss” is not a gimme.  We have to let go of a lot of accumulated nonsense (like “somebody else knows better than me”).  Then we have to grow a profound trust in ourselves and the universe around us.  Second Age made this more than a little difficult.  But this trust in ourselves is what makes "Following Our Bliss" possible, and it's what Third Age is all about.

And you, Second Age Sister, are our poster person for Third Age!  Of course you don't need to listen to your brother or any of those other intellectuals with their conceptual nonsense.  You’re already living Third Age to the hilt:

I've just gone through a very liberating divorce, I have a new job that I love and am good at, and in another year in a half all my kids will be gone from the house.  My life is more alive and exciting to me than it's been for at least a decade.  Retirement is the furthest thing from my mind.  I don't feel old; I feel rejuvenated!  I'm like a kid in a candy store with all the possibilities open to me - all the possibilities I've put on the back burner while being married and raising the children…

"Following Your Bliss" doesn't come any better than this!  Just keep right on following your nose, and have a little empathy for those who are better at talking about stuff than doing it (I include myself with your brother here).

But don't for a moment think you're not a Third Ager - you're just doing it so well and so effortlessly you can’t understand why we're making such a fuss about it.  So put up with our fuss, know it's our problem (not yours) and go right on showing us how to do it!