Girl Just Wants to Have Fun

Dear Father William,

I'm 47 and entering a wonderful new time in my life - a new marriage and a new business that really gives me the chance to manifest my true gifts and passions.  But this road I'm traveling as I assume new roles (wife, coach) is really scary, and each decision that I need to make feels so big that I make it all so serious and pondering and deep - and then I lose my joy.  Yet Joy is what I'm all about.  Can there be a connection between deep thought and playful joy?

Love, The Girl Who Just Wants to Have Fun

Dear Girl Who Just Wants to Have Fun…

Your question is a profound one.  Millions of other good, intelligent people are as disturbed by this apparent paradox as you are.  Who would not want to be both deeply thoughtful and playfully joyous?

So what’s going on?  How did we come to the point where we believe thought and joy interfere with each other – and that we can't be both deep and light?  What a depressing belief system to be caught in!  Where did it come from and how did we catch it?

This sickness is called EITHER/OR thinking and it's been epidemic in western culture since the Greeks.  It became much more virulent with the industrial revolution. EITHER/OR thinking believes the world is composed of opposites that are mutually exclusive (like deep thought and playful joy), and, of course, what we believe is what we see – and live.

While there’s no total cure for this disease, symptomatic relief may easily be obtained by applying BOTH/AND thinking whenever you experience a reoccurrence of EITHER/OR.  To do this, just take the particular EITHER/OR that's giving you a problem and change it into a BOTH/AND.  You can use our simple technique of "Finding Your Personal Paradox" by making a wish – and asking yourself why you want it three times.  For example, in this case you wish you had more joy in your life:

I WISH... I could have more joy in my life.

WHY?  (Don’t you just go ahead and be more joyous since “Joy is what you’re all about”?)

Because my new marriage and career are very important to me, and I want to start them as well (perfectly?) as I can.

WHY?  (Does “starting important things” mean being serious and not joyous?)

Because good people take important things seriously.

WHY?  (Do good people take important things seriously?)

Because not taking things seriously means you don’t care – that you aren’t committed.

I WANT TO… (Could your BOTH/AND be something like…)

     BOTH    Be consistently the playful and joyous being I am…

     AND      Feel like a good person deeply committed to her new marriage and career.

Doesn't this open up some possibilities that were hard to see before?  Why?  Because when you break through an erroneous EITHER/OR belief (like “I have to be EITHER joyous OR committed), new universes emerge!

“How could I have ever thought I'd be a better wife or coach by being overly serious?”  Seriousness may be your personal Direction of Error, but for others it’s just the opposite (there are plenty who need to play less and “take care of business” more.)  Balance is what's needed – uniquely personal balance chosen by you, for you, and for your individual situation.  No one else can do it.  And you can do it so easily if you remember to apply the BOTH/AND remedy when the EITHER/OR symptoms occur.*

But remembering is the hard part.  I'm not kidding.  You wouldn't believe how many people I've taught this simple technique over the years and how few remember to use it when they need it.  (I know you won't be one of these.)

There's another hard part, too.  It has to do with that phrase “Direction of Error” (DàE) I used above.  Einstein said, "You can't solve a problem with the same mind that created it."  This applies here.  If your DàE is being too serious, you'll probably “be serious” about becoming more playful.  This is not going to be helpful.  We don't become lighter by being heavier.

When you know your DàE (being too serious), you'll also know this means you overuse this method, sometimes very inappropriately.  If the EITHER/OR you want to bring together involves your DàE (reducing over-seriousness), you’ll have to deliberately use the opposite method (playfulness) so you just don't suck yourself back into your own black hole again.  This can seem hard because it takes you out of your comfort zone (where “good people” take big, scary things seriously).  But since that old comfort zone isn't feeling all that comfortable any more, why not use this as a chance to do some extensive (and “playfully joyous”) renovations?

Love, Father William