Caution Son Right to Be Cautious

Dear Father William,

I am really into this Third Age stuff for myself and look forward to all the possibilities that it brings for the next 20-30 years I may have in front of me.  But I also would like to share what I am learning about personal fulfillment with my 82-year old mother who is in good health and good shape financially to do whatever she wants to do.  The problem is she lives alone 1200 miles away (with some family nearby), and at her age I wonder if it would feel to her more like "opportunities lost" than looking at "what could be" in the future.  On the one hand, it seems like a no-brainer that Third Age fulfillment can be pursued at the young age of 82 just like beginning to exercise in your 70's can make huge improvements in your health.  But she's had some depression over the years (and taken medication) and seems to be fairly content with life as it is now, in some ways this seems like a case of "if it ain't broke, don't fix it!" 

Does third age awakening at a late age produce regrets or am I being overly concerned when I should be sharing this great stuff instead?

The Cautious Son

DEAR CAUTIOUS SON…

Your desire to help your mother share your excitement about Third Age is admirable.  It also holds potential dangers for both of you.  

It's dangerous for you if it burdens you with an inflated sense of responsibility.  Not only will this cause you unnecessary worry and stress, but it can lead to resenting the very person you're trying to help.  I’ve used the word "inflated" deliberately.  Psychologically, “inflation” refers to our ego's need to make itself important.  One of the most common ways we do this is by believing others need our help.  If we're “needed” by others, obviously we're important, right?  

Please don't mistake what I'm saying here.  Helping is great, and helping one's elders is a very special form of that greatness.  The danger lies in feeling "needed” (as opposed to just feeling helpful or of service).  When we decide we’re "needed," we turn what is a choice into an obligation, and this can create weird resistances inside us which often surface as resentments.  

Feeling "needed" can also make you think you know better than the people you're helping what's good for them.  Clearly there are some important occasions when this is true, and, just as clearly, there are whole lot when it's not.  If you have doubts about this, just recall when your know-it-all high school daughter thought she knew what was best for you (or when your know-it-all 40’s son thinks he knows best for you now).  

Wouldn't it have been nice if they'd asked what you wanted?  

These are both examples of irritating arrogance (arising from ego inflation) that create resistance and resentment.  I’m sure neither is what you intend for your mother, so try this on as both a humorous and profound answer to your question:

Don't stress yourself about this.  There's no way you can know what you're doing.  

We just can't be sure what’s right for people twenty to thirty years our senior.  We haven’t lived long enough to have their life experience.  Whenever I notice I’ve forgotten this (again), I recall how, as a teenager, I thought my parents had really boring lives because they liked staying home on weekend nights.  How could anybody like staying home better than going out into the enormously exciting world?  Well, now I love staying home, and my children think my life is just as boring as I thought my parents’ was.  What else could my kids think?  They haven’t had my forty years out in that “enormously exciting world” yet.  Once they have, I imagine they’ll see things differently, too.  

So you can't fully know what’s best for your mother, either.  The gifts of Third Age that are so exciting to you may be wonderful to share with her.  They could also be experiences she’s already passed through in her own way (or simply has no need of on the path she’s following).  They might even feel like “opportunities lost” and be fuel for more depression.  There’s no way for you to be sure.  

All you can do is let your intuition guide you, and there's overwhelming evidence we do this best when we're still and at peace.  Stressing over making the “right decision” will only get in the way of doing the best you can.  So love your mom, talk to her about what’s meaningful in your life and listen deeply from your heart to hear what’s truly important to her.  Then relax into your intuition, believe the Universe is with you, make your best guess about what to do and know you've done all you could (for a young punk with such a limited perspective).  Humility is the key here, and a robust sense of humor serves as an Early Warning System for ego inflation.  

And don't feel badly when the rough spots come (as they will).  She's going on to somewhere we haven't been, and often part of getting there is having a hard time down here…  

Love, Father William