Money, Money, Money

Dear Father William.

I’m 57 years old.  I worked in the corporate world for many happy and productive years.  Then I was laid off.  Although we have some money put away, we would be a lot more comfortable if I could get another corporate job for the next 5-10 years.  But I really don’t want to put in the long hours under high stress anymore.  And I think prospective employers don’t want people my age.  Should I keep trying to find another traditional job, or is there some other way I can continue earning some money while having more balance in my life?

Can’t-Afford-to-Retire

Dear Father William,

My husband and I are both in our late 50’s.  Our careers were productive enough to allow us a comfortable lifestyle, but recently things have become tougher.  My husband’s job is ok, but recently mine has become much worse.  I work on commission and our business is declining, so I find myself working harder and longer just to make ends meet.  I want to ease up at this stage of my life, but my company keeps increasing the pressure.  Giving up my job isn’t a viable option financially, but I don’t know how long I can stand the increasing pressure.  Any suggestions?

Despairing-in-New-Jersey

Dear Can't-Afford-to-Retire & Despairing-in-NJ,

Can’t-Afford-To-Retire, you have the space and balance that makes life worth living (but not the comfort of enough income), and, Despairing-in-New-Jersey, you have the income you feel you need (but not the quality of life you want).  I'm going to answer your questions together because they're both about money, and questions about money often have more in common than dollars.

Frequently money concerns are the symptoms that form the visible tip of the psyche's iceberg, while the deeper, less conscious issues below the surface lie much closer to the real causes of our discomfort (Levels of the Unconscious).  At the bottom of the page are a sample list of these issues that link to more information (click on those you want to explore further).

MONEY % THE NOW-FUTURE PARADOX

Many times money issues are a subset of the Present-Future Paradox which traps us in this dilemma:

If I do what will make me happy in the future,

I'll be unhappy now...

But if I do what makes me happy now,

I'll be unhappy in the future...

The way out of this trap is to use our maturity to redefine "what makes us happy" in the present and in the future.  Rationally this isn't all that hard to do, but emotionally it can be a bear (especially if we believe "redefining" involves "sacrifice" or "irresponsibility"), so let's get those ideas out of our heads right away.  We haven't achieved five decades of life experience to be martyrs or fools.  PERIOD.  As Third Agers, we're entitled to live "the good life" and that's exactly what we're going to do.  PERIOD.  On our own terms.  PERIOD.

Since both of your letters suggest it's necessary to be unhappy now in order to ensure “the good life” in the future, your Direction of Error seems to be toward sacrifice rather than irresponsibility.  Is there really any way you can escape this dilemma in good conscience?  

The answer depends entirely on how you define “the good life,” doesn’t it?  Where did your definition come from?  Who defined "the good life" for you in the past?  Who’s doing it now?  These are the important questions.

Whether we call it "the good life," "happiness" or something else, it's almost certain the definition we hold isn't one we consciously chose for ourselves.  From birth we've been bombarded with manipulative marketing messages insidiously designed to raise our appetites for material goods.  The result?  We've bought into a truly dysfunctional definition of "the good life" - one that drives us to an endless (and costly) consumption far in excess of what we need.  As long as this programming goes uncorrected, we continually need more and more money to support our "habit" of never having enough.  Here's another statement of the paradox so many of us are caught in:

To be sure we can have the good life,

We need to get more money...

But what we have to do to get more money

Takes away the good life...

To resolve this paradox, we have two radically different mental choices.  The first (which rarely works, but is endlessly reinforced by our marketing culture) keeps insisting the problem is to generate more money so we can buy all we "need."  When we take this approach, we don't question our definition of "the good life."  Its requirements are sacred and absolute, and we either meet them or fail in varying degrees.  Which are the sacred requirements for you?  Giving your family a good place to live?  Paying for your children to get the best education?  Making sure your loved ones have what they need to be respected by friends and colleagues?  Providing for a dignified old age?

These are not trivial concerns.  In fact, they're so serious they feel sacred.  That's why we don't question them (one of the problems with sacred stuff is we don't question).  But do we really think Nike (or Century 21 or Harvard or Sun City) is the right spiritual adviser to tell us how we should make those things happen?  Of course not.  But that's what they've done, and, to get our lives back, we're going to have to get ourselves better advisers.

We do this by exploring another approach to resolving this paradox.  This second choice (which will work, but goes against all the media brainwashing) says the solution lies in redefining our "needs" so our present income (or substantially less!) will afford them easily.  This means we cherish our sacred values - but not the advertising industry's perversions of how we fulfill them.

Of course, this is not easy (if it were, we would all have done it by now).  It's very hard work to change what's been imprinted in our unconscious, but it can be done, and it's definitely worth the effort.  One set of tools that helped me significantly reprogram my unconscious is a set of audio tapes and workbook called "Transforming Your Relationship With Money" (see Are You Making a Living - Or Making a Dying?).

WHAT OTHERS HAVE FOUND IN THEIR MONEY ISSUES

"I'm ready to cut our standard of living, but my partner isn't..."

"I'm not sure who I'll be if I give up my work..."

"I worry I won't be able to afford the nice things in life..."

"I want to work, but not with today's stresses..."

"I don't care about work or much else - is this a passing phase?"

"I don't want to be dependent on others..."

"I'm a lot more anxious about the future than I used to be..."

"I have enough income but it feels wrong not to work.."

Thanks for both your questions.  I hope this helps you (and the millions more like us) to see realistic possibilities for having both a present and a future...

Love, Father William