From Striving to Savoring

Dear Father William:

This higher state of "being" of which you’ve written – ah, how sweet the sound!  To leave behind the stresses and strains of "doing" - of proving our worth by accomplishment… what a beautiful concept!  

But what about this bit of physiological reality:  

The brain of a seasoned Type A is programmed for its daily dollop of dopamine, the real quest of its insatiable striving.  When we stop the activity of achievement, seeping regrets and guilt quickly condense and coat the skull walls.  The mental mildew of missed moments mounts.  Feelings of unworthiness and depression overwhelm…!  

So what's a rookie Third Ager to do?  Well, turn tail and run, of course, right back to the known country of Second Age - or are there really other possibilities?  

Thin-Skulled

Dear Thin-Skulled…

I think you're quite right to describe leaving "behind the stresses and strains of ‘doing’ (of proving worth by accomplishment”) as a problem of addiction on physiological as well as psychological levels.  Like other unhealthy addictions, Type A “striving” has been habituated over time, gives one a quick "high" when indulged in, causes long-term physical and psychological damage and is painful to withdraw from.  “So what's a rookie Third Ager to do?”

Let's begin with a look at First, Second and Third Ages, focusing particularly on what makes Second Age so addictive…

FIRST AGE – LOSS OF INNOCENCE:  "Innocence" connotes an openness and vulnerability that lacks the ability to protect itself from the world.  Like the first phase of the Eden myth, First Age and its Innocence are inevitably destined to be lost as self-awareness and disillusionment are experienced.  The primal result of this loss is a desperate need to gain control so we can protect ourselves from such pain in the future.  This begins the separation of the ego from Self (“the loss of innocence”) and our movement into Second Age.

SECOND AGE – STRIVING FOR CONTROL:  This is the age of ego maturation (hopefully a healthy one), and our focus shifts to striving for enough "Control" to make us feel safe on a number of levels.  Maslow's D-Needs (Survival, Security, Belonging and Status) are as workable a description of these levels as any.  The psychological work of Second Age is to come into a realistic relationship with the world, one that is neither childishly trusting nor neurotically paranoid.  The ego is our essential partner in this work and needs both measurable achievement and recognition for that achievement on many dimensions to mature.  It's an unusual person who develops a truly mature ego (one that feels secure physically, intellectually and interpersonally) in less than the three decades of Second Age, and there are many who do.  Sadly, there are also many who never develop such security.  

When the ego has sufficiently matured, a new possibility can open - it understands that it is not the Self and opens to partnering with and serving that Self.  As Einstein put it:  

The intuitive mind is a sacred gift

and the rational mind is a faithful servant.

We have created a culture that honors the servant

and has forgotten the gift.

Still there is no surety that even a mature ego can recognize and engage in this new possibility.  In general, cultural conditioning brainwashes us that Second Age is the "right" age, that aging beyond 40, 50, 60 (you name it) is a negative process that means we are “over the hill” and of little further used to ourselves and others.  That same conditioning also tells us success is made only of worldly achievements and failing to sustain worldly position, power and recognition are signs we are also failing as human beings.

But even if we can recognize and change the negative cultural conditioning that keeps us in Second Age, there is another, more personal obstacle to deal with: we've used Second Age to condition our ego to being in control.  Here’s how my friend and mentor, Ed Paul (who at 89 speaks with a lot more experience about Third Age than I do at 67) describes the extent of this difficulty:

 …the ego wants to assert its right to be in charge – think how we have nurtured that concept all these decades that we have been here!  But now we want to deprive it of that nurture which we have so freely granted it in the past?  "Whoa, baby," it's saying to us, "where do you get off with that notion that you can abandon me at some way-station?  I'm not about to relinquish the power you have so generously given me!"  And where does that leave us as habituated participants in its arrogance?  It's saying to us, "I have given you comfort, status, security, recognition, and now you think you have the strength to serve me with papers of divorce?"

That "other," whom we so dimly perceive, seems a long way off when the ego raises such challenges, so that is when we need to stop our frenetic "search" for the other, and let IT FIND US! (which it will if we truly are open to it).  That is why we need to abandon the notion of control – "control" is the servant of the ego.  The ego is, really, an imaginary construct to which our culture urges us to conform.  And when we are in the Second Age it does seem to work magic, doesn't it?  Everyone wants structure and order to a certain extent – those whose work depends on their imagination are the lucky ones who can learn early on that imagination comes from the image (the other) – if they are capable of making that extension.  But even some of those come to that realization later in their lives.             

  Now, what is it that we have to do?  Only to let it come to us!

THIRD AGE – SAVORING THE MOMENT:  If our developed ego can surrender its control (to our "Self, Intuitive Mind, Spirit or Whatever Name works for us), Third Age then becomes a time when we can come into a new and unfamiliar way of being.  This new being transports us beyond the dualities of paradox and the “EITHER/OR” mentality of our youth into the infinite realms of the universal, the whole, the unchanging.  Now we are both innocent and wise, active and serene, in and beyond the world.  Here we fully participate by “Savoring” each moment of our existence, and, when we're fully present, it makes no difference which moment it is.

This is, of course, the vision poets, mystics and saints have described for centuries, but we normal folks have thought it was only for them and not us.  That changes now with our longer lifespan.  Most of us will have plenty of time to mature to the point where such “Third Age Savoring” is not only a possibility, but an anticipated reality.  We will, that is, if we change our belief systems so we can see what is right in front of us.

Changing belief systems is not all that hard or rare.  You may even have a living relative who still believe that some human beings are inferior by nature of their skin color, gender or religion.  Those belief systems are omnipresent a few generations ago.  Thank God new generations can believe new things!

Changing this belief system is not so easy, though, because, if I'm right, the proof for it becomes invisible during the "Control" mindset of Second Age.  This means it's virtually impossible present convincing evidence for its existence before the ego has matured enough to see and accept its own limits –to give up “Control“ and become "servant to the intuitive mind"…  

Love, Father William